A rainy Sunday

Rainy Day Blues
Rainy Day Blues

I have a love/hate relationship with rainy days. At first, I love snuggling up on the couch with a good book, some Law and Order, and a cup of tea. A few chapters in, and I take a break, yearning to go outside. A few SVU episodes later, and I’m bored. Will the rain ever stop? I have so much to do in the greenhouse…why did it have to rain today? (Yes, I have a greenhouse and I love it! More details on that later 🙂

We all want what we can’t have. When it’s rainy or snowy outside, we want sunshine and beach. When you get a cold, it feels as though you will NEVER be well again, and you’d give anything to be well again. As the saying goes, the grass is always greener on the other side. Sometimes, the other side seems so far away. Especially when you have cancer.

I have good days. I have bad days. But every day, I am glad to be here on this earth. I think everyone with melanoma can attest to the feelings that come with the diagnosis – shock, anger, denial, dispair. Cancer forces you to reach into yourself, into your thoughts and mindset, and deal with the concept of life and death. Death becomes more than an idea. It becomes a possibility, a reality.

Melting snow on the back porch
Melting snow on the back porch

I don’t like to talk about these fears with my friends or family. My situation is hard enough – I don’t want to bring everyone down with my black cloud. I have always been the tough one in the family with emotions. That’s what attracted me to healthcare. Lots of science, very little emotion. Science is filled with facts, and facts don’t lie.

But now that I have become the patient, my emotions have become so much more intense. Maybe it’s a refocus of my life. Maybe it’s coming to terms with death. Maybe I realize how fortunate I am to have the life I have. But instead of burying the emotions these days, I relish them.

No more snow!
No more snow!

These thoughts force you to live a richer life while you have it. To appreciate every day…every rainy day.

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